Blue Hour
by theschizokid
Summary: When light meets darkness, and the few fleeting moments before the world plunges into the shadow of night. Shikamaru X Hinata! May change rating over the next few chapters, but it's unlikely. Character death. R&R please!
1. Prologue

Prologue

Nara Shikamaru knows that war is terrible ― he's experiencing it first hand.

He knows that people die because of the most basic of techniques and most trivial incidents of human nature. He has seen so many of his comrades, nameless comrades, slip away from his grasp, and go to a place far better than the battlefield. Inside him he wonders if any credible shinobi goes to Heaven, because, well, they've killed before, haven't they?

But before he can place his fingertips together so that they are just touching, a bomb detonates next to him and he is instantly brought back to reality. This is a war, and he has no time to sit idly by and think about life after death.

At least, not when the smoke clears and he realizes that the kunoichi next to him has received a direct hit.

Shikamaru curses wildly, and as he descends into the newly formed crater, his eyes go wide and his vision goes blurry. His fellow shinobi make sure to cover their captain as he hurriedly summons on-site medical nin, the fatigue and tire from two straight days of battle showing in his drained visage.

The irregular pants and gasps amidst the chaos of war only serves to disorientate him even further, and as his mind spirals into what one may describe as desperation, the only thing anchoring him to his sanity is the seriously bleeding shinobi lying down in front of him. The damage is bad ― even he can see it ― with her being impaled on a stray tree root, going right through what appears to be her abdomen, and with her gurgling the immense amount of fresh blood pooling in her throat.

Shikamaru feels for her gloved hands, and he screams his words to her, because her eyelids are fluttering closed, and she is drifting away from him. The iron fan, sprawled out on the forest floor not far from him in all its glory, is painted with her blood. There is fierce fighting going on behind him, and he hears yells of panic and death.

He feels his eyes go moist and his ears ring, his eyebrows coming together. He tells her not to go, please don't leave him, because he needs her and he wasn't being attentive and it is he who deserves to die. The medical nin come running, but as they recognize the signs of her injuries they sigh, and shake their heads. Shikamaru wants to punch them, he wants to beat them up so bad ― what right do they have to declare somebody dead when she is struggling, struggling so hard and so bravely, right in front of them?

Then a shout louder than the din of battle comes from the scene behind him; the medical nin retreat. Shikamaru glances at the harsh fighting, but spares only a minute because the kunoichi on the ground makes a small sound.

He turns his head immediately, rubbing his eyes because they have started to sting. There is blood flowing from her mouth, and blood spilling from her wound. Shikamaru tries to pick her up and bring her to safety, but as he attempts to pull her from the root she lets out a blood-curdling scream. His face distorts into one of confusion, of anger and of helplessness, but his underlings defend their grieving captain for as long as they can.

With a gasp and a pant from her, Shikamaru cuts the base of the root off from the tree, so that when he brings her to those cowardly medical nin it is still lodged in her body. He makes sure to bring the fan as well, but he's not sure why. He gives orders to take care of her the best they can, and as he turns around to face the enemy, he crouches down to look at her one last time.

There is a sliver of eye between her barely closed eyelids, and she appears to recognize him amidst the sharp pain that is repeatedly stabbing her, over and over. She smiles a little at his expression, and with her last breath she tells him her last words.


	2. Chapter 1: Awakening

Shikamaru's eyelids cracked open, and his body sprung from the surface of his bed. Bathed in cold sweat, his eyes were wide as he rubbed his temple with shaky hands.

He was too busy panting and getting over his adrenaline to notice the sun rising in the small space of his window, but the rays that seeped into the confines of his room gave it away.

He was about to collapse back onto his pillow, exhausted even before he left his bed. Shikamaru's quick breathing slowed, and as he stopped gasping for air he closed his eyes again. Wiping his brow, his eyebrows furrowed together in consternation while he let out a long sigh.

By then it was 7:00am, and his alarm clock started to ring.

The shrill screeching of the maddening clock pierced his ears, but somehow he couldn't muster up the strength to get up and turn the damn thing off. Curses flew by him in his head, yet he didn't feel the urge to really say them out loud.

Shikamaru waited for three minutes before he smashed the clock against the wall.

~X~

"Your alarm clock rang this morning at 7; it woke everyone in the house up," Yoshino reprimanded as she slid some eggs onto her husband's plate. Normally she would have whacked her son over the head with a ladle, but the war had softened her somewhat, and anyway she knew Shikamaru was beyond the age of child abuse.

Opposite her son, her husband grunted and shot the former a look of sympathy. Shikamaru might have been past the point where his mother is supposed to discipline him, but his father wasn't... "Hey!" she said louder this time, placing her pan on the stove and positioning her hands on her hips. "Are you _listening_ to me?"

Her child glanced at his indignant mother, tempestuous and always ready to mouth off. Still, she was his mother, and he would have to treat her with the appropriate amount of respect. This was always a constant in his life.

So Shikamaru nodded curtly, before downing his bowl of miso soup and thanking his parent for the meal. He spared a furtive glance at the clock: 7:30am, and thirty minutes too early to meet with Godaime. Nevertheless, he left his chair and went to get his ninja pouch and his flak jacket. He heard his mother sigh irritably and throw her hands up in the air before allowing them to fall at her sides.

"Shikamaru," Yoshino started again, looking her son in the eye as he emerged from his room and put his jacket on. "I know you're still upset over Temari-san's―"

"_Mom_," the youngest shinobi in the family interrupted, averting his gaze and securing his pouch. "_Please_." He made a sound as the jacket zipped up.

Yoshino frowned and turned to her husband, who had taken to swallowing his eggs. He swallowed quickly and shook his head. _Please, dear_, he appeared to be begging, _Not yet_.

His mother's eyes blazed with the kind of hurt and disappointment unique to a mother's love, and Shikamaru felt her eyes bear into his back as he headed for the front door. The door was opened slightly as he paused, waiting for his parent to say something.

"Shikamaru," his mom began again, her voice soft and gentle and totally unlike her usual self. "Your father and I love you very much."

He didn't bat an eyelid as he walked out into the fresh sunlight, his form shifting as he shielded his eyes from the glaring rays. "I know," Shikamaru mumbled, closing the door shut.

~X~

He'd stopped over at the Yamanaka flower shop on the way _there_, and even though the building was still dark and there was nobody inside, Shikamaru felt a small smile on his face as he bent down to pick the bouquet of white chrysanthemum. As usual they were pure and untainted, cut neatly and preened just as carefully. His teammate knew how important this was to him, and he fought back a chuckle. Rustling the crepe paper that encased the pretty bouquet, Shikamaru shifted his grip so that the stalks would not fall.

As he was walking toward the third training ground, he witnessed the sunrise. The rich, deep golden rays that exuded from the burning star enveloped everything in its path, dyeing everything it touched into its color. Shikamaru stopped for a moment, fingering the delicate petals of the chrysanthemum. The light swept away the darkness, making his shadow sprout from his legs and grow while the sun bloomed.

And then, with a sigh, Shikamaru shook his head slowly and silently went on his way.

~X~

"You're late," Tsunade greeted her fellow shinobi as he opened the door and stepped in very calmly. She had her hands together and her eyes narrowed, plus her tone was detached and highly disappointed. The statement came out as more of a hurt accusation, and even though she smiled wryly her voice was just tired.

Shikamaru merely nodded as his apology, and mumbled something about repentance before shrugging and telling his Hokage to continue. His hands had been stuffed into his pockets, and he was slouching.

The lady eyed him suspiciously for a moment with her brows knitted together in quiet consternation, and continued to do so even as she finally opened her mouth to speak to him. "I'm assigning you another mission," she paused here, and took a moment to survey his seemingly indifferent reaction. "_An A-rank mission_."

At this he blinked in small surprise, and his eyes widened by a little bit. "A-rank missions are for the Jounin, Tsunade-sama," he protested lamely. "If you really are that desperate you might want to ask Neji or Shino."

She grunted at his suggestion, and cleared her throat. "You'd make a wonderful Jounin," Tsunade remarked. "If only you'd agree to take that stupid test."

This time Shikamaru took a few more seconds to process the information, and with a small sad smile he told her, "I'm not taking the exam, Tsunade-sama. Not now, not _ever_. Now, the mission…"

His boss's frown deepened at his words, and for a moment she contemplated drugging him for his defiance. Pushing that thought to the back of her mind, Tsunade sighed defeat and turned to her missions scroll.

"You have to assassinate the leader of the Sazuki clan in Oto," she relayed as she handed her subordinate a piece of information regarding the clan head. "Their clan specializes in light-based techniques and the reason he needs to be killed is because the Sazuki clan has been rumored to cause lots of trouble for the Konoha forces occupying Oto at the moment."

He looked up from the information sheet and stared at her straight in the eye, a strange type of raging fire in his pupils. "How many?"

The Hokage stopped looking at Shikamaru, suddenly shifting her gaze to the floor. "Three, all immobilized by being blinded and killed afterward. Their comrades found their bodies among the trees, impaled on the branches." There was a sense of guilt and despair in her voice as she told him about the tragic ends of their fellow Konoha shinobi.

For a moment Shikamaru was seized by fear and anger. He really hated trees… But the man also looked away from the form of his leader. "They died honorably," he seemed to assure her.

"Yes," she agreed numbly, biting her lower lip. "Yes they did…"

And then the pair observed a quick minute of silence for the deceased ninja, after which Tsunade said to Shikamaru, "That's why the leader needs to be eliminated. You are to bring along two others of Chuunin rank or above, making a three-man cell. If you need to, I'll approve for either Gai or Kakashi to accompany you."

The Nara shuddered slightly at the thought of the hyperactive _Green Beast of Konoha_ following him, bringing with him his bushy eyebrows, strange sense of style and positively out-of-this-world ideals. "No, thank you," Shikamaru forced a smile, thinking about the white chrysanthemums he had picked up earlier. He would have to thank Ino again later… "I'll ask Neji and Shino later. We'll leave tomorrow."

Tsunade nodded in appreciation, and proceeded to wave Shikamaru out the door. "Thank you, Shikamaru," she grinned, and for a while he couldn't help but smile back.

He was halfway out the door as she suddenly called him. Shikamaru turned around, clutching the information sheet as tightly as he had with the bouquet.

"I really do think you'd make a great Jounin. Maybe you'll be like your father; Jounin Commander of–"

"Thank you, Tsunade-sama," Shikamaru interrupted as he dipped his head and went on his way, tucking the crucial piece of paper into his pocket. "But this will be all."


	3. Chapter 2: Gut

Chapter 2: Gut

Silently, Shikamaru walked toward the majestic front gate of Konoha, the late morning sun beaming gloriously in the sky. He wondered when the star would die out.

He'd woken up before his alarm clock again, and this time he'd waited for five minutes before he realised he would have to replace said device again.

With his rather heavy pack on his shoulders, the shinobi had enough time to lean on the frames of the gate and cross his arms, looking as if he were deep in thought. For a while he had taken to sighing the extra time away, but seeing as how he had visited _her_, it somehow didn't seem proper.

And then there was that stirring feeling in his gut.

Shikamaru really detested that feeling. That sensation made him feel useless and absolutely helpless, not to mention it reminded him over and over about _that_ time. For a while he calculated the number of days left to his annual month-long visit to Suna, a special privilege granted to him.

About 3 more months, roughly 92 more days, approximately 2, 208 hours, 132 480 minutes and 7 948 800 seconds till he was able to leave Konoha and go to her brothers. Till he could truly visit her, and not just entertain a faint memory of her carved in stone. This comforting fact almost made him smile.

_Almost._

"You're going out on a mission already?"

The soft gentleness of the voice made him open his eyes, and he turned around slowly, because he knew who the person was. He nodded in acknowledgment, and left his position at the frame of the gate in order to walk to her. "Kurenai-sensei," he greeted, stretching his arms to the sleepy toddler.

She laughed, a bright trill that filled the heavy morning air, too humid for May. "I'm not a sensei anymore," she smiled, albeit wistfully. "I haven't been one for a long time." She handed her son over to the younger man, and the latter adjusted his hold.

Shikamaru played with the little boy's hand, a small grin settling in his features. He didn't look at her as he answered, his attention entirely spent on the giggling spitting image of his former sensei. He looked so much like his father it nearly made Shikamaru feel uncomfortable. "You'll always be Kurenai-sensei to me," he answered, and it came out as some sort of assurance.

The boy was more awake now, and he touched Shikamaru's face with his other small palm, his eyes shining with adoration. It made Shikamaru's heart sting somewhat, how someone so small and innocent had to be sucked into this tragic vortex of shinobi and death.

He looked up from her son at her sudden quiet, and noticed a small thin line that was her mouth. It quirked into a small, nervous and guilty upward curve, and in her red eyes he recognized a shade of sadness. Her arms were crossed and she'd pulled them close to her body, plus her head was a degree lower than it was a minute ago. She seemed further away from him.

"What?" Shikamaru questioned, an eyebrow raised in curiosity. This certainly wasn't like her. In his arms the toddler kept with his antics, and his touch almost missed the older man's eye. He let out a light-hearted giggle.

Kurenai shook her head, unable to answer. "It-it's nothing."

The boy cocked his head, noticing the sudden tension in the air. "Mommy?" he said softly, concern edging its way into his voice. "What's wrong?"

Kurenai smiled a weak smile, and for a split second she looked as if she was going to break. She inched closer to her son and Shikamaru, tentatively taking the former out of his arms. The toddler didn't complain and wrapped his arms around his mother's neck, securing himself to her torso. "Neji and Shino are coming," the red-eyed woman explained, and the instant she had a firm grip on her child she took three steps back.

Shikamaru hid his worry with a wry smile. "What's this about not being a sensei for a while?" he joked, going back to leaning against the frame of the main gate. Her answer was another one of her calm, subtle grins, and she ducked her head in slight embarrassment.

"Hiruzen's going to miss you," Kurenai told him even though she didn't need to; her son pining away for the closest thing to a father figure happened whenever Shikamaru had to halt his visits.

"I'll miss the both of you too."

She parted her lips, but shut them quickly as Neji and Shino came into view. The pair greeted the waiting trio, and they mussed the small toddler's head of black hair as they turned to leave the village.

"I'll be back as soon as I can," Shikamaru told Kurenai as Neji and Shino started out ahead of him. "I promise."

Kurenai laughed. "Don't worry so much," she said nervously, and frustratingly Shikamaru couldn't find a reason for her anxiety. "Hinata usually comes over when you're out on missions."

His mind briefly wandered off to the girl. That's right, he almost forgot... Hinata also had a strange attraction to her ex-sensei and Hiruzen. His heart suddenly went calm, and for some reason his shoulders relaxed. He felt at ease, and even though he couldn't find a logical cause he dismissed it. Shikamaru ran his fingers through the child's hair familiarly, and turned around to head off.

"Hinata, huh?" he said, his mind no longer with his teammates as they walked further and further away from the village. "I guess that's good then."

~X~

Neji flitted through the trees, his brown hair flying along with him. He landed on the soft grass with barely a sound, and acknowledged Shikamaru with a rough nod. Shino walked calmly behind the Hyuuga, his pace steady and slow.

Glancing at the body on the floor, Neji bore no emotion on his face. "You ought to join ANBU," he commented stonily, taking a moment to absorb the success of the mission. After this he headed off to find some wood. Neji didn't realise there was a reason he himself had quit the covert organisation for a reason.

Shino stared at the giant of a man longer than Neji, and after a while he shifted his goggled gaze to the Nara sitting placidly on a rock, sans emotion. "You okay?" he asked, a tiny bit of concern woven into his words, a minute tinge of worry sprinkled in his tone.

Shikamaru stood up, his stomach uneasy again. He'd felt _that_ feeling when he'd stuck his kunai in the man's heart, drawing hot ruby blood. There was a little bit of said mixture on his flak jacket ― the feeling was so much stronger than the last time it almost _consumed_ him. The Nara rested his chin on his palm, staring expressionlessly at the moving blades of grass.

_No way..._

"Shino," he finally said, but he didn't mean to answer his teammate's question. In fact, he more or less dismissed about anything that had been said since, well, that sensation possessed him. "Did Kurenai-sensei tell you anything important?"

He asked Shino because he wanted ― _needed_ ― to make sure, and even though he'd never really forgotten crucial information Shikamaru almost bordered on desperation. That feeling was making him sick with nostalgia and almost nauseous; if he wanted to function properly the Nara needed to know. He could feel shielded puzzled eyes on him.

A minute passed, and Shino reluctantly said, "No."

Neji came back at that moment, and he dumped the wood onto the fresh corpse. He did some quick seals and breathed fire onto the logs, incinerating the last piece of evidence of their crime. They watched in silence as the flames consumed the vessel of a man who could invoke so much fear in people that they could suffer paralysis at the mere mention of his name. Inside Shikamaru couldn't help but wonder when his time would come.

"Neji," he began as the trio packed their things and decided to cover some distance before settling down for the night.

The Hyuuga looked at Shikamaru, his visage bearing just a little more emotion than before. There was most definitely tire in etched in his features, but there was another emotion that Shikamaru couldn't put his finger on that had inexplicably found its way onto his stoic teammate's face. "What?" he prompted.

Shikamaru felt his lips settle into a tight smile, dark and taut like his shadow and how it stretched. "What was it like, Neji, in the ANBU?"

Neji scoffed a little, then a low snort rose in his throat. After that he just stopped and refused to look at either one of his teammates in the face, insisting they set up camp because the sun was setting and it would be dark soon.

And then, as Hyuuga Neji turned around to go into the tent, Shikamaru caught a fleeting glimpse of his comrade's face. The Nara needed a few minutes to fully process that split second of human vulnerability, and in doing so he chuckled.

Torture, it seemed, befell the people of the ANBU, both past and present.

_Perfect_.


	4. Chapter 3: Privacy

He had to admit, he should have realised a long time ago. But he didn't, and now he was feeling like an idiot.

Tsunade leaned back in her chair, offering the three men before her a congratulatory grin. "Well done," she beamed, but her words didn't smile. "Mission accomplished _and_ you're all back intact and two days early. Great job."

And that was it for the compliments. For a moment Shikamaru wondered if he would get any more compliments after his request.

"I expect a report in two days. Till then, you're all dismissed."

Neji and Shino both voiced their obedience, and left for some rest shortly afterward. Shikamaru lingered on, waiting till they were completely alone. Tsunade cocked her eyebrow in anticipation, but she knew he wasn't going to ask her about the next round of Jounin examinations.

"What do you need?" she asked mainly in curiosity, but there was also that small part of her that couldn't stand prolonged silence.

Shikamaru started playing with his earrings, and he sighed. "I'd like to request for a position in the ANBU," he told her curtly, his head dipping slightly, as if he were asking for her instant approval.

Her eyes narrowed. She almost told him to get lost — she'd seen this scenario so many times it wasn't even funny. "Shikamaru," she addressed him carefully, picking her words with utmost caution. "You know the ANBU are all Jounin. That's the minimum requirement."

He shrugged, nonchalant. "And that's the best excuse you can come up with to prevent me from joining?" he questioned. It sounded more like a taunt.

His boss cringed. If there was nothing more difficult to deal with than a skilled shinobi, it was a skilled shinobi with the IQ of a genius. They both knew he was more than capable of advancing to ranks much higher than his present one, but the only thing that stopped him was his initiative.

And now that he was practically _asking_ to do the dirty work for Konoha, Tsunade nearly felt obliged to give him the job, and she might as well have kissed his feet in gratitude.

Only there was that low undertone in his voice that told her he wasn't going to take no for an answer, and this piqued her suspicion. Tsunade studied the shinobi in front of her, her gaze steeled and harsh. "You know there's a reason the Nara don't join ANBU."

Another blasé shrug. "There's a first for everything."

"Don't you have someone to live for?"

The question made him wince, but other than that he showed nothing. Shikamaru stopped looking at his boss. "That someone already has other people. That someone doesn't need me."

Tsunade could feel her blood start to boil. To hell with protocol; she needed to nip this problem in the bud.

"That's bullshit, Shikamaru, and you know it," the Fifth hissed. "You'd _die_ for that child."

He still wasn't looking at her, but Tsunade could hear the weary smile in his words. "Isn't that what I'm doing?" Shikamaru questioned, and for the shortest second she thought she heard sadness in his voice.

Then her eyes widened, and she regarded the slouching man in front of her with the same eyes as she had Orochimaru back when they were younger. "You're doing this for that Suna kunoichi, aren't you?"

Shikamaru bit his lip, and he didn't say anything more.

~X~

If there was one thing Shikamaru hated more than annoying kunoichi, it was having awkward talks with seniors about sappy things like _feelings_ and _emotions_ and useless shit like that. Frankly, it all seemed like a ploy to maintain some form of their humanity, so that they'd remain loyal to Konoha without going crazy.

So it didn't surprise his delegated companion when Shikamaru kept shooting him dirty looks. The Jounin had, as always, greeted his junior with a lazy smile and his face in his handy little book of porn, but it appeared as though he was here to stay. Shikamaru twitched in badly concealed annoyance.

He'd spent — wasted, actually — the whole afternoon walking with Kakashi in absolute silence, and while he normally liked the quiet, having someone like _Hatake Kakashi_ follow him around like some lost puppy really ate away at him. Not to mention he sometimes broke out in perverted giggles.

When he'd finally gotten the nerve to tell Kakashi, as politely as possible, to go somewhere else and read his porn, Kakashi merely smiled a little and answered, "I'm here till I fulfill Tsunade-sama's orders."

"I'm _not_ talking about her," Shikamaru said heatedly, and for some reason Kakashi stared at him for a good three minutes. There seemed to be something on — or rather, _in_ — his face, and the Jounin put his book down.

"So let's talk about ANBU," he replied, his visage suddenly serious.

Shikamaru shifted his weight uncomfortably, slightly disturbed by Kakashi's mood swings. They'd spent the afternoon in Shikamaru's favorite cloud-gazing spot, eating cold dango and drinking lukewarm tea. Behind them, the birds chirped away.

But if he couldn't talk about her, he could most definitely talk about ANBU.

Shikamaru shrugged at first. "I just want to try it out, is all."

Kakashi didn't seem convinced. His eye flitted over to his closed book for just a fraction of a millisecond. "That kind of ninja are usually the ones that return in urns." Dragging bodies back in bags wasn't at all practical, and coming back in an urn was only if your teammates cared enough for you to _collect_ your ashes.

Kakashi thought he'd seen the Chuunin tremble, even if just for a bit, but he realised Shikamaru was merely a little cold. It'd rained the night before and the sun was barely peeking through heavy clouds.

Only when Shikamaru said something did Kakashi realise he was staring at the dark sky.

"You didn't see me then, did you, Kakashi-sensei?"

Kakashi stopped admiring the vastness of the heavens. His eye regarded the floor with varying degrees of pensive brooding. "I thought we weren't going to talk about her."

Shikamaru grinned, but his words didn't. "That's what I thought too."

Another long silence, and then, "I was a mess. Couldn't see straight for days. Didn't talk for about a week. Thought it was a dream." Shikamaru laughed, and it sounded hollow. "Thought it was some kind of fucked up nightmare."

Kakashi knew this feeling. He looked at the floor, his face blank. For some reason he saw Rin in his eye. He waited till Shikamaru calmed down, and then he picked his book up and started to leave.

"Where're you going, Kakashi-sensei?"

Hatake Kakashi paused. He turned around, smiling lazily. "Giving my report to Tsunade-sama," he said so cheerily it disturbed Shikamaru. "You'll have to get your ANBU tattoo soon."

~X~

"Oh."

It'd came out more as a gasp than a sigh, and it left Shikamaru standing awkwardly at the door. He shifted his weight between his feet, suddenly uncomfortable in his own skin. He tugged at his tight collar.

Kurenai looked at the floor, her red eyes half-lidded and a little sheepish. She stepped to the side, making way for the man to enter her apartment.

The Nara hesitated, but after two long minutes he accepted her invitation and entered. Shikamaru left his sandals outside as he stepped in.

Kurenai shut the gate gently after him. Her red eyes were still trained on the tatami ground, and her neck was just a degree lower than when he was still outside. "I'll go prepare dinner. Will you be joining us, Shikamaru?" Her fingers gripped the handle of the steel gate.

Shikamaru headed for the boy's room, his voice gravelly and soft and almost sad. "Yeah," he murmured while he turned the knob, "I'd like that."

He heard a sigh as he felt Kurenai drift off to the kitchen, and he inhaled deeply when he pushed the wooden door.

The first thing he saw when he opened the door to the brightly lit bedroom was Hiruzen, short and bubbly and in his face. The kid wrapped his arms around Shikamaru's leg, laughing. He picked the boy up and patted him on his head like a father would, then Shikamaru smiled and he almost meant it.

"Hinata showed me the tonkotsu points today!" Hiruzen giggled, and Shikamaru's eyes flew to the woman on the floor. She sat on her legs, and in front of her laid a picture a human's chakra map. There were some bright blue dots that decorated the insides of the vaguely outlined human anatomy.

"_Tenketsu_, Hiruzen-kun," she corrected playfully, but she began rolling up the laminated chart. Hinata greeted her comrade with a brief nod and a genuine smile, one that Shikamaru was unable to return.

"Well," Hinata chuckled good-naturedly, "Guess I should get going now. Hiruzen-kun likes it better when you're around, Shikamaru-kun." She started to get up, and he started to stop her.

"Don't leave," Shikamaru said nicely, gentlemanly. "Kurenai-sensei is making dinner. I wouldn't want to disappoint her."

Hinata took one careful look at the man carrying the bouncing toddler and took one step closer to the door. "I-I shouldn't intrude. You just got back from a mission. You should spend quality time with Hiruzen-kun."

Shikamaru was about to ask her how she knew he'd just gotten back from a mission, but he figured the evidence would have been all over his body, and she could probably see his depleted chakra levels anyway. He regarded her cautiously, but then Shikamaru started to grin and he turned to the beaming child in his arms.

"Hiruzen, you like it when Hinata's around too, don't you?"

The boy took a moment to contemplate this, and his hands instinctively clutched at Shikamaru's Chuunin vest. "Yes," he said slowly, "Hinata could teach Sensei about the tonkotsu points too."

Hinata started to laugh, and she settled herself on the bed. "He calls you Sensei?" she asked out of innocuous curiosity, "That's so adorable."

Shikamaru shrugged, and sat on the carpet floor. He let Hiruzen out of his embrace and the latter went to take the chakra figure out of Hinata's hand.

"He doesn't address you with honorifics," Shikamaru pointed out, his fingers unconsciously playing with his earring. "That's rude."

Another hearty trill. "It's fine. In fact, I'd rather Hiruzen-kun call me that. More comfortable."

The child reached for the chart, which was still in Hinata's hand. She handed it to him with an encouraging smile and kissed his forehead.

Hiruzen wiped it off, impudent. "Only Mommy and Sensei can kiss me, Hinata," he established with the charm and charisma unique to four-year-olds. "Mommy says I'm a big boy, and so only Mommy and Sensei can kiss me, because Mommy said if other people kiss me I'm going to fall really, really sick and I won't be allowed to practice becoming a ninja."

Hinata covered her mouth as she giggled that girlish, kind giggle. She sounded like a child herself. "Did she now?" she prodded, suddenly making a game out of this.

Hiruzen nodded firmly. "Yeah," he confirmed. And then he pointed his forefinger to the sitting Shikamaru, "Except Mommy also says that the only other girl who can kiss me is Sensei's lover—"

Shikamaru stiffened. "_Hiruzen_."

The boy ignored the older man. "Quiet, Sensei, you said it's rude to interrupt people. Anyway, it's because Sensei's lover would be my Godmommy but when I asked her where Sensei's lover was Mommy looked all choked up and—"

Shikamaru started to frown. "_Hiruzen_," he said sharply, "_stop_."

Hinata froze, and it took her a moment to respond to Shikamaru's words.

"Sensei, you said it's bad to cut people off!" Hiruzen rattled on heatedly, "then Mommy said Sensei doesn't have one anymore because his last one—"

Hinata swept the kid up into the air and between her crossed legs on the bed, eliciting a soft cry of protest from the short shinobi-to-be. She hugged him, one arm supporting his back and the other wrapped around his small chest. "Hiruzen-kun," she smiled a little, because little children don't respond well to anything but smiles.

"I think you should ask Mommy when dinner is going to be ready," Hinata let the child down, and he pouted but stumbled to the exit nonetheless.

The door clicked shut, followed by a stiff and still silence that made the air heavy. Hinata could hear Shikamaru's heavy breathing.

"I'm sorry, I should have stopped him earlier," she apologized, chewing her lower lip. Her fingers went together. "I should have known where he was going."

He shook his head quickly, but he didn't bother to conceal his trembling hands. Shikamaru started wringing them together, his throat suddenly dry. He could smell something, and he wasn't sure it wasn't blood. "No," he replied politely, obviously shaken. "It's not your fault."

Another brief silence, and then, "Do you want to talk about it?"

Shikamaru hesitated. And then he looked up from the spot on the floor, his eyes tired and his expression strangely forlorn. He almost looked like a newborn deer. "Did... Did you lose anyone in the war?"

His question threw her back in time, and Hinata could already feel the tension escalate. Out of the blue everyone was fighting for their lives, and there was blood everywhere. Desperate screams and haunting yells and shrill shouts filled the empty forest air as the enemy descended upon them.

"_It's a goddamn ambush!_"

She closed her eyes, reliving the moment. Her voice was hoarse and detached the next time she spoke. "Everyone lost someone in the war."

That statement made Shikamaru feel guilty.

At his quiet she continued, her precious white hues still lidded, "Metaphorically I lost one. Physically I lost thousands."

He raised an eyebrow, but said nothing. It was as if he was using the silence to prompt her politely.

"I lost Kō-san that day," she whispered, her lips curving upwards ever so slightly. "That day of the thirteenth ambush."

They'd suffered so many damn ambushes Shikamaru didn't know what day Hinata was talking about. He closed his own pair of eyes, and his mind brought him back to _that_ day. So much blood.

He heard a long sigh, and then, "I was too slow. He took it for me."

Shikamaru could feel rather than see the tears, and he continued to shut his eyes. He felt Hinata deserved that much privacy.

In his mind's eye, Shikamaru heard a bomb explode.

"Yeah," he muttered, leaning against the bedroom door. If he listened hard enough, he could hear Kurenai's spatula hitting the metal pan.

So much noise. So much blood.

"Mine too," Shikamaru said, but he didn't know Hinata was also giving him the best privacy she could offer.


	5. Chapter 4: Friends

The first sign that Shikamaru got was when he saw his parents sitting relatively calmly on the sofa, their lips settling on their strained faces in thin lines. His mother seemed to be unable to sit still, and his father had taken to placing a reassuring hand over hers in an effort to keep her calm. Shikamaru raised his eyebrows by a fraction, then he wasn't surprised anymore.

The front door shut with an ominous click. The three of them were alone. Silently, Shikamaru cursed Kakashi to a thousand years of torture.

The younger man surveyed the older one, cautious and wary. The former cleared his throat noisily, breaking the thin film of quiet that had set in amidst the heavy atmosphere.

"Well," Shikamaru said, slipping his hands defensively into his pockets. He didn't look away from his father as he walked toward his room. "I've had dinner at Kurenai-sensei's place. Sorry for not telling you earlier, Mom."

Here he wished his virago of a mother had shown him some sort of a normal reaction — jump up, screech ungratefulness and bloody murder, knock her son about his head, turn around to chide her bemused husband... Only Nara Yoshino kept silent, her hands clenching as the only sign of her mounting anger. She turned to look at her husband.

Shikamaru was just half a meter away from the door of his sanctuary when he saw his father's lips twitch, and he knew he had no way of escaping. That was the downside of being in a family that used shadows; Shikamaru had already lost count of the number of times he'd been unable to run from trouble. Shadows kept chasing their respective owners.

"Sit down, son," Shikaku murmured, crossing his arms in slight perturbation. His child complied before he could use any jutsu. "Kakashi-kun told us about your application to ANBU."

There was a pause, and Shikamaru looked up from the enchanting floor. The pause stretched on to a few moments, and he pointed out, very hoarsely, "I don't need your permission to join any organisation."

Shikaku saw his son's hands wring together. He almost smiled at the latter's subtle impudence. "Of course not," the Jounin Commander acceded. "You're an adult now. You're free to join whatever you want."

The head of the Nara clan stopped, and he exchanged dark glances with his wife. She nodded quickly, and her son quirked an eyebrow.

"Listen, Shikamaru," Shikaku sighed, breaking free from his defensive stance. He allowed one arm to drop back onto his wife's hand, and he used the other to pinch the bridge of his nose, weary. "ANBU isn't for a person like you. This is going to be a huge mistake.

"You're smart, son. Please see this for yourself," there was a shade of pleading and a deep tone of guilt that swirled around in his father's eyes. "If not, there really is something up with you, and you aren't joining ANBU for the sake of it."

Shikamaru laughed, hollow and empty. "Nothing escapes you, Dad," he commented dryly. Then he stood up and headed back for the front door. "But I'm not a child anymore. If this is about the clan jutsu, don't worry. I'll take them to my grave."

Another sigh. "This isn't about any jutsu, Shikamaru." It came out forceful and loud, and it shocked his son into stopping dead in his tracks. Shikaku stared at his child, the child that he carried in his arms when he was too young to walk, the child that broke away from hard work and refused to lift a finger if his life didn't depend on it, the child that never beat him in shougi, the child that cried so much it was almost pathetic.

"Ever since she died you've been brooding and moping around the house!" Shikaku said, and there was despair unique to a parent who saw their children decay before them. "It's been four years, Shikamaru. _Four years._ Please, just get on with your life. She would have wanted you to do so."

Shikamaru seemed to be contemplating this, and long silent moments ensued. Then he cleared his throat and chuckled in low tones, as if he didn't mean to laugh at all. He pulled his right hand out of his pant pocket and felt the curve of the doorknob.

"You're right, Dad," the younger man acceded, deflated but not really. "I guess she would have wanted me to forget. Move on."

Shikamaru gave his parents a view of his hunched back and a diffident shrug. The door creaked open ever so slightly. "The thing is," he murmured, the words slipping off his tongue and his brain going black. He closed his eyes, looking for some sort of comfort in the shadows.

"I'm sorry." The door opened more and he managed to get out of his house, about thirty minutes after he entered. "I just can't."

~X~

The last thing Shikamaru next expected was to catch his former teammate drinking herself into oblivion at the bar nearest to his house.

Situated just five minutes away from his home, Shikamaru found Ino, blond and loud and as foul-mouthed as ever, perched on a barstool with her head flat on the counter and one hand clutching at a shot glass. He walked over, more curious than apprehensive, and dragged the kunoichi over to a private booth without so much as a soft grunt. The man called a bottle of rather weak liquor for himself and he allowed Ino to get herself accustomed to his new company.

Squinting through bleary blue eyes, she poked a thin finger at him, and slurred with the poise and grace of a drunk lumberjack, "Yer Shikamaru, right?"

He scowled after nodding appreciatively to the waitress, who seemed to hover a little _too_ long at his booth. Shikamaru noticed she had blond hair, just a shade lighter than Temari's. He wondered when he had become such a girl.

Ino was about to pour what he supposed was tequila into her eager mouth, but he snatched the shot glass and promptly poured it out a convenient window. Shikamaru ignored the curses coming from outside. His eyes narrowed in playful suspicion, and told her as affectionately as he could, "I don't even think I _want_ to know what happened to you."

She glowered at him for the briefest period, and then dismissed his action with a blasé wave of her hand. "Got a mission," she answered simply. Ino leaned backward and her head accidentally lolled. She snapped said head up in distracted attention.

Shikamaru prompted her to continue with a small upward head nod. He poured a little of the sweet sake into the ceramic sakazuki and lifted it up to his lips.

Ino shrugged, rubbing her yellow head. "Seduce and possible sex for information, then kill if needed. Normal for a kunoichi like me I suppose."

Shikamaru resisted the urge to spit his sake out, and he swallowed hard. "I see," he managed barely, his head twitching slightly in unease. After the heavy conversation with his parents, a talk and a few alcoholic beverages with Ino seemed... Refreshing. He liked her more than ever now. The Nara nearly cracked a reminiscent smile.

And then it was Ino's turn to ask questions. "You," her pretty eyes narrowed, and she leaned in towards him. Ino pointed an accusatory finger at her former teammate. "Yer joining ANBU, ain't ya?"

Nara Shikamaru almost lost it. First his parents, now his teammate? Good God, Kakashi sure knew where to strike. He muttered a few unintelligent curses under his breath and downed his sakazuki of liquor with the tenacity of a recovering alcoholic.

"So's it true?"

Shikamaru prepared another serving for himself, and suddenly he wished he'd bought the stronger variety, the type that knocked him out within two shots and rendered him unable to answer prods and persistent enquiries from headstrong blonds. Slowly, he grunted in reply.

Ino growled in the most ladylike manner possible. She recoiled back into the comfort of the backrest and her arms flailed wildly in the air, as if she were emphasizing a crucial point.

"You can't do that! You can't join ANBU!" she shrieked, making Shikamaru choke on his sake and hurriedly push her piss-drunk head to the table.

"Sorry," Ino muttered apologetically as her eyed drifted to the bottle of sake. Inwardly she shuddered.

Shikamaru rolled his eyes and decided his alcohol consumption for the night was over. He pushed the container to his far end of the table, using the stack of sakazuki to hide it. "I'm joining ANBU and that's that," he stated in a low whisper.

Ino got up from the table and rested her chin on her hands. She stared at them for a while; suddenly she'd grown two more palms. "Hyuuga Neji quit ANBU," she pointed out with wounded pride.

"I'm not Neji."

Ino snorted. She combed her fingers through her fine silky hair, her elbow on the table. "No," the kunoichi conceded, "You aren't Neji. But you aren't ANBU either." She giggled a giggle that sounded like it lacked belief and hope. "Please don't do this, Shikamaru."

Shikamaru shook his head gravely. "You're drunk, Ino," he said, "And with Kakashi-sensei's efficiency I'll have my tattoo by tomorrow and be on the force the day after. My first mission with them may be on that day."

"ANBU isn't going to bring her back."

"I know."

Ino shot her friend a tired expression, and her eyes flitted over to the direction of the concealed bottle of sake. She stared Shikamaru hard in the eye, silently psycho-analyzing him. She sighed.

"Pass the sake," Ino muttered, her hand outstretched. She _tsk_-ed at him when instead he brought the bottle closer to himself.

Shikamaru cringed. "You're drunk, Ino," he repeated. "You shouldn't have drank alcohol by yourself. How do you know I won't take advantage of you?" In his mind's eye he saw Temari, wobbly and emotional and absolutely wasted after five shots. As mighty and bossy as she was, her sake threshold was quite pathetic. He'd scolded her and she'd hit him so hard Shikamaru needed to see Sakura.

Ino laughed again, this time hearty and shameless. She took a swipe at him, and Shikamaru grabbed the container and placed it to his chest.

"Chill, Shikamaru," she told him. There was a slight hint of anger and irritation that seeped into her tone. "We both know you won't do anything to me," Ino pointed out, and they did.


	6. Chapter 5: Ties

Chapter 5: Ties

The next day was in its infancy when Shikamaru got home. His parents had left a little lamp on in the hallway, and he made sure to switch it off. For a few moments, however, he sat in the living room and watched time go by.

The moonlight seeped in through the shut glass windows, dousing everything in its path a serene pale blue hue. The furniture casted their respective shadows onto the floor, and the ticking sound of the small mounted grandfather clock filled the four walls. Shikamaru brought a hand to his chin.

A small grunt escaped his throat when he got up from the armchair, and he remembered to turn his newest alarm clock on before he slept.

~X~

Shikamaru was tired. He had spontaneously decided to awake earlier in order to escape his parents' gazes and questions, so much so that he left the alarm on even after he zipped his flak jacket. He wondered if he would spontaneously combust one day.

Behind him, through a sliver of space between drawn curtains, he saw the shadow of the sun between faraway mountain peaks. He grunted and his eyes flew to the note on the fridge, telling his mother not to cook for him, before he looked to the ground and shut the door. He forgot about the alarm clock.

Shikamaru was tired because he hadn't gotten a decent amount of sleep the night before, and because dawn had already barely begun. He stuffed his hands into their respective pockets as he scraped the bottoms of his sandals on the rough surface of the mat and shrugged his shoulders as he took one step forward.

He stopped, his mind on the meager shadow his leg was casting on the ground. His attention shifted to the larger shadow apparently squatting in front of him, and Shikamaru lifted his head by just a fraction, already knowing who the shinobi waiting outside his house was.

"You're up early today," Shikamaru commented as he fingered his earring distractedly. His head tilted upward and he breathed in the fresh morning air. He sighed.

"I didn't want to miss you," Chouji answered, getting up. There was a small smile on his face, a type of radiance that bled through his puffy cheeks and spread through diffusion to his best friend.

"You aren't eating chips."

Chouji snorted. "Breakfast first," he chided, "It's always the most important thing to have a hearty breakfast." He inched toward Shikamaru, put a big brotherly hand on his lanky friend's shoulder.

Shikamaru laughed. He liked conversations with Chouji. Chouji, who never seemed to be troubled by anything except his next meal? Chouji, the peaceful man who aspired to be stronger and really put in the effort. Chouji, period.

"Alright then," the Nara chuckled, and he started to walk. "Breakfast's on me."

There was a silence, and Shikamaru didn't feel the warmth of his best friend's hand on his body anymore. He turned, and the fragile smile melted off his visage. Shikamaru surveyed his buddy and his eyes narrowed in tired, proven suspicion.

Shikamaru sighed. "This isn't just about having breakfast with me." It wasn't a question.

Chouji's face coloured, caught red-handed. The Akimichi really didn't want to bother his best friend, especially since he saw firsthand how devastated, distraught, desperate a human being could be. His stance shifted uncomfortably, and Chouji heard the rush of blood in his ears.

Shikamaru brought his glance to the ground. He wondered how many times he'd walked the same trail with her, how many times he'd seen her smile, how many times he'd bought her a meal, how many times he'd seen her to the gate. He wondered if she could see him now.

If she'd whack him over the head for being such a coward.

"Chouji," Shikamaru murmured, twisting his torso back to its original position. He slouched and he started walking again. "Come on. Breakfast is on me."

~X~

Shikamaru's impatience had always been the quiet type, the type that manifested in him till he could no longer quell his emotions and it burst through his entire being. Chouji could see it etched into his features, sewn into the way his brow was contorted. He ate quickly, his anxiety reflected by his speed. Chouji almost choked on his third serving of soft-boiled eggs.

Shikamaru snorted, his annoyance showing through in the way his chin tilted upward by a few degrees before he settled his head onto his palm. "Slow down, Chouji," he said, "It's pretty un-cool for a shinobi to die from eating too quickly."

Chouji nodded slowly, and he put his spoon down while his chewing came to a dramatic pause. His jaw started up again after a while. He swallowed, and then Chouji stared.

"Shikamaru," Chouji started quietly, his tone uneven and his mind uneasy. "Why are you joining ANBU?"

Shikamaru opened his mouth to answer, then he shut it and regarded his friend with the same amount of annoyance he had when dealing with Kakashi. Suddenly all his friends weren't his friends any more, and the person Shikamaru had known for the better parts of his life seemed alien to him. Shikamaru sighed, stretched, leaned backwards and propped his head with the palm of his hand.

"I'll tell you, Chouji," Shikamaru murmured slowly, "But only this once, and I expect you to keep this confidential, no matter who or what demands it from you."

The plump man nodded quickly. He knew Shikamaru far better than he knew the back of his hand.

"I am going to kill the Lightning medics."

Chouji's brow came together. He picked his spoon up and used the back of the metal to push the eggs around in the shallow bowl. He focused on the swirling mass. He knew where this conversation was veering. "It isn't their fault, Shikamaru."

Shikamaru's lips came together in a tight thin line. His hands wrung together. "They could have saved her," he murmured. "But they didn't." He felt his palms start to shake, heard the slight lilting of his voice as he continued. "They didn't save her."

"You don't have to join ANBU for that. There's something else."

Shikamaru laughed, a hollow, bitter sound that came from the depths of his stomach. "ANBU's dangerous. Lots of ANBU personnel don't make it past their first year. Kakashi-sensei's really a genius."

Chouji fed himself a spoonful, and he swallowed hard. He waited for his precious best friend to finish.

"After I go to Lightning country, I'll stop ANBU."

Chouji stiffened. He stopped blinking, the gears in his head moving slowly. Chouji stared again at his friend, looked for any signs of regret or remorse or even playfulness.

"No," Chouji breathed when he found his voice. For the first time in his life, he lost his appetite. "Shikamaru, _please don't_―"

"It's my decision," Shikamaru stated with a nonchalant shrug.

Chouji felt his stomach empty. He saw his best friend steal a quick glance at his watch. "I-I won't―"

"Sorry, Chouji," Shikamaru said as he pushed his chair backward and got up. He grinned a sly, hopeful, mischievous grin that was somehow able to show a shade of regret. "ANBU always get the worst missions."

Shikamaru walked toward the counter, pulling his wallet out of his back pocket. From Chouji's position he could catch a good look at his childhood friend, and he stared in silence, in absolute wide-eyed horror at the withdrawn stranger the man he had known for most of his life had become. The Akimichi saw his teammate, his best friend, his pillar of support meet his gaze as the cashier bowed her head and got the change.

And then, slouching in his usual manner, the back of the man Chouji thought he knew suddenly morphed into the back of a total stranger.

~X~

To be employed by the ANBU, it appeared, didn't just depend on prior rank, prestige or even capability ― it depended on how crazy you were, or how much you wanted to die. To that extent Shikamaru wondered how much he actually _did_ want to die, but he also knew that surviving the ANBU would be much harder than getting initiated. He wondered.

But with his red, fiery tattoo fresh and still stinging under the sleeve of his arm, Shikamaru didn't feel like he had the right to question his decision any longer.

That, and Hinata staring intently at said spot on his right arm also slightly unnerved him. _Slightly._

"What is it?" Shikamaru asked politely, with a tone of annoyance just peppered onto his words. Across him sat the Hyuuga heiress, arms crossed and brows furrowed. "Your frown's messing up your face." Temari used to frown a lot in his presence.

Hinata's head snapped up, her previously unbending gaze shifting abruptly from his arm to his face, alarm clear on her own. Her cheeks coloured, abashed. "Forgive me," she excused herself, "It's just… I see you've joined ANBU."

Shikamaru thought he'd have his eyes rolling, but to his own surprise he found himself laughing a throaty chuckle. He nodded, rolling his sleeve up to show his tattoo, as if it were some sort of prize. "I have," he confirmed. "I'll get my first mission as an ANBU personnel tomorrow."

A soft, warm smile crept up her face. "Congratulations," Hinata answered, "Neji-Nii-san was in ANBU, and he hated it so much he quit after the mandatory first year. Perhaps I could ask him to give you a few tips."

This time it was Shikamaru's turn to stare at her. There was sincerity – pure and unguarded – meshed between her every facial feature, and Shikamaru was sure he would have continued staring if Hiruzen had not ran up to them and deposited himself on his Sensei's lap.

"Mommy says dinner's ready," the little boy announced, and then he gently slapped his Sensei's face a few times before running back to his mother.

Stunned, Shikamaru could only twitch and blink a few times while Hinata started for the kitchen, laughing.

"You don't need to worry about Hiruzen-kun, Shikamaru-kun," the woman comforted as she referred to the topic Shikamaru had started. "I love spending time with him just as much as you do."

And at that moment, Shikamaru remembered what Temari had told him so many times.


	7. Chapter 6: Humanity

A/N: I'm really sorry for not updating this for, what, a year? It's nearly been a year. Yeah, I'm so terribly sorry! Thank you to those who're still sticking by me and this story!

I've got major exams in October, so I doubt I'll update any more till after November (_Yes my exams are _that_ long, hallelujah_)

Another thing is, I really, really depend on reviews to keep my inspiration going. Seriously, reviews are like writer's juice. Keep away the writer's block and keep me writing. I know I said I'd probably not update till after November, but hey, nothing's set in stone. _SO REVIEW NOW NOW NOW. _

So thank you once again (_especially Sepsis_), REVIEW (_please please please, I know there are 11 or 13 of you people following this story…_) and enjoy (:

Chapter 6: Humanity

_Teal_ — those were the colours of her all-seeing eyes.

That alone made him pause and hesitate — his first mistake. His situation was compounded further when he saw that she had messily tied up bunches of scraggly dirty blond hair framing the sides of her face.

The fact that she wasn't screaming her lungs out was the last straw.

Shikamaru stopped completely, his body freezing and his eyes intent on the frame of the child squatting in front of him. His kunai was a mere five centimetres away from her jugular, and he could feel his own hands trembling.

There was an eerie silence, followed by the rustling of leaves from his comrades running after him. Shikamaru glanced at the trees behind him, and he knew they were coming.

Another pause. A bead of sweat rolled from his palm to the kunai, and it dripped off from its edge. Shikamaru _tsk_-ed and cocked his head to stare at the green ground littered with weeds. He could still feel her gorgeous, intoxicating teal pearls staring at him with the innocence of a thousand Hiruzens.

Then Shikamaru grit his teeth and his blade sailed through the air, and the floor bled.

~X~

Turning his key as gently as he could, Shikamaru pushed the door open with the least amount of force possible. It shut behind him with a dazed click, but it was soft and he knew the occupants of the home would not be bothered by his presence. Well, not till after he would be gone, anyway.

Shikamaru slipped the key back into his pocket and zipped it up. He took his armor off and placed them on the floor by the wall. He dragged his feet in the direction of what he thought was the restroom, and when he opened the door he took two more small steps before collapsing onto the bed.

It should have been soft, but instead of fluffy comfort he hit something as hard as bone. Shikamaru stirred, but his eyes were closed and his mind was far away.

So it was only on the third strike that he really felt something pierce his skin and bruise his blood. A thousand years behind him, he heard something gasp. Suddenly Shikamaru couldn't feel anything, but he did hear another click, and even through his lidded eyes he saw a shade of white.

"I'm sorry!" he heard a rather hoarse voice murmur so softly it was almost inaudible. Shikamaru grunted, his mind half awake.

Then out of the blue there was another sharp jab, and this time it hit his thigh so badly the pain stretched to his groin.

"Oh my gosh!" he heard the same person squeal.

Now outwardly groaning, Shikamaru tried to coil up into a ball, but still he couldn't move. "Goddamn," he listened to himself curse; he'd be awake for another few hours if this kept up. Feeling his brows come together, Shikamaru opened his eyes.

"Hinata?" he mumbled, and Shikamaru tried to get up, but he was paralyzed.

He saw her face flush, her ears go red. "I'm so sorry," Hinata said quickly, the words rushing out of her mouth. She weaved out under him, then she used her hands to turn Shikamaru facedown in comfortable position. Hinata's hands glowed with a turquoise tint as she placed them above the spot on his back. "I thought you were someone else."

Shikamaru froze. Perhaps he really had become someone else. In his mind, he bet he wouldn't be able to recognize himself if he looked at his reflection right there and then. He wondered how she would have reacted if she were with him. He wondered if she was always with him.

Shikamaru thought about that little girl he murdered that very morning. He wondered if she was _her_, incarnated. He wondered if he just killed her twice.

"Shikamaru-kun?" Hinata's gentle voice whispered through the heavy atmosphere of darkness. He felt her chakra heal his back. Shikamaru silently swallowed the phlegm lodged deep in his throat, making a soft grunt.

Hinata stuttered unintelligently for a few seconds, then she steeled herself and managed a tired, "I'm sorry, does it hurt?"

Did it hurt, he wondered, when he pierced that little girl's skin, tearing through flesh and muscle, the near mirror image of _her_ marked as his? He thought about it. Did she feel any pain when he contaminated her pure body, when she fell to the ground, tainted by the touch of his blade? Was she dead by the time she fell into her own pool of blood splattered on the grass?

Shikamaru recalled her gaze, steady and bold. He shivered.

She was only five, for God's sake. She probably didn't even know a blade could kill.

Hinata cocked her head to the side by a few degrees, puzzled. It was only then that Shikamaru realised he'd said that aloud. He would have blushed, if his blood flow wasn't so paralyzed and if he didn't feel like he deserved to be thought of as scum.

"Nothing," Shikamaru mumbled, numb. "It's–"

Then something inside him broke.

His voice cracked first, faltering and suddenly peaking at a girlish, weak pitch. His chest followed soon after; Shikamaru felt something inside clench and contract, coiling around someplace that was supposed to be his heart, but he was quite sure that he killed that part of him off a long time ago. The man didn't blink for a while and just kept silent, his ears listening to the rush of his blood. In his mind's eye he could see her again, feel her heart trying to keep her alive.

"She-looked-just-like-her," he forced out of his throat. It didn't sound like a proper sentence, only a muffled gargle. Shikamaru didn't know why he was telling this woman anything, actually, he just spat it out of his body.

Hinata kept silent. She knew. She knew about ANBU, she knew about Shikamaru.

The famed genius choked on his words, his face now wet with emotion. "Her eyes were the same. She wasn't afraid." His eyes closed for a while. "She was beautiful."

"It was like..." Shikamaru paused, a broken man. His tone dropped so low that his next words were barely a whisper. "Like I was killing her again."

Another silence, and then, a soft, "I felt like I was killing myself again."

Hinata was at a loss for words. In her head she saw Neji, ragged with tire and something more when he returned from his first ANBU mission. She had seen something die in his white eyes that night.

Her voice came out as a reluctant stutter, only because Hinata wanted to defuse the uncomfortable silence. "If you told others about your feelings, I'm sure–"

The man on the bed laughed, but it sounded as empty as Shikamaru was emotionally hollow. He snorted a skeptical snort, "What can they do?" he questioned, "My parents _just don't understand_. Nobody understands. Not even Ino. Not even..."

Here Shikamaru laughed again, and this time it was bitter and filled with desperate regret. "Not even Chouji," he finished. "Not even Kurenai." _Nobody_, the famed shinobi wanted to add. _Not my best friend, not my mentor's lover. Not the people who first gave me life._

Shikamaru turned his head slowly to look at the girl healing him. As a male, he knew Hinata was an excellent specimen of the female species - she had the best figure, the most doll-like features, long luscious dark blue hair and a set of Konoha's most prized bloodline.

Yet Shikamaru diverted his gaze after a few moments, adding in his head, _not even you_.

"Why are you putting yourself through this torture?" Hinata asked, out of genuine curiosity and sincere concern. She almost sounded exasperated. Shikamaru had no more energy to laugh, but he smiled a little.

Torture? Shikamaru wore a weary expression with anger and hatred and regret all etched into every crease of his skin. Every day without her was a torture.

_Nobody understood_. They didn't understand that she was his anchor. She kept him alive, through her taunts and her sarcasm and just her breathing. Shikamaru had heard people asking him why he couldn't cope like Kurenai could, and he didn't have the strength to tell them that Asuma had left Kurenai with at least some proof of his existence.

Shikamaru had a _bond_ with that woman who called him a crybaby. They'd truly _loved_ each other. Initially Shikamaru had disliked her presence, but eventually he realised that that was because he'd been afraid. He'd taken a risk in loving her as she had in loving him, but all it did was make them appreciate each other more.

And now she was gone. Shikamaru knew he could never find another like her. He had retreated into his shell long ago.

Hinata cut off the chakra flowing through her fingertips, checking his torso with her Byakugan to ensure that she had repaired the physical damage. Suddenly Shikamaru remembered her question.

So like the coward he was, Shikamaru decided to tell Hinata a half-truth. He took a deep breath as he barely managed, "Because no matter what everybody else says, I died that day, four years ago."

Hinata sucked in a deep breath. She knew that Temari had been Shikamaru's world.


	8. Chapter 0 point 5: Dreams

A/N: Hey guise my exams are almost over! (almost, almost) So I decided to treat ya'll with a drabble that has something to do with Blue Hour. I didn't really know where to classify it because it seemed really strange as a one-shot but I didn't want to expand on this idea. Besides, it fits here somewhat… Right?

Yep so review guise REVIEW, reviews are like my go-go juice (lulz watching too much toddlers and tiaras, specifically Honey Boo-Boo Child). Seriously. Reading and not reviewing is like stealing my clothes and leaving me naked in a deserted dark lurch on a late winter's night. Do you want to be a mental and psychological thief? No. No, you don't. So review. Oh. And enjoy (:

Kthxbai

Blue Hour Chapter 0.5 (or whatever you deem fit)

Some nights, he can't sleep.

His dreams ensnare his consciousness, and suddenly he can't breathe.

He jerks himself awake – fully awake, though, because he can never truly slip into sleep, not ever since _that day_ – and his glazed eyes glance at the alarm clock. Usually the time is somewhere between one to three-thirty in the morning. He knows now that he's awake he isn't going to sleep for the rest of the night. Usually he sighs; he's tired, after all. Really, _really_ tired.

_Exhausted_, in fact.

But he doesn't mind, actually, because he knows he deserves it. He knows he shouldn't be able to sleep, and he's sometimes thankful that he can't. Sometimes, right before he crashes (_sometimes after a whole week without sleep_), he thinks he can see her, with his own two eyes. And he's happy.

Really, he is.

Sometimes, right before he crashes and his mind goes completely, utterly black (_like how his world went when he realized that she wasn't coming back_), he thinks he sees her, her face, her body, her legs. He thinks he feels her arms wrap around him so gently that he doubts it's really her (_she never touched him so softly before, not when she was…_) but he's so _goddamned happy_ that he doesn't care.

On really special nights he thinks she speaks to him; her lips move slowly but he hears her voice in his head. She often says stupid things, but that's how he remembers her, and that's what she says (_he'll never admit it but he knows she's gone_).

Other nights in between, when he's so cold since he's stripped to his underwear and refuses to use blankets (_he never needed clothes or covers whenever she slept next to him_), he realises how stupidly pathetic he is. Suddenly he can see himself in the mirror – a small loser kid who's so immersed in his own grief that he's blind to the rest of the world (_but then his world died with her, so that doesn't really matter_).

And so, on those nights, he hates himself and he hates what he's become and he hates _her_ for doing this to him (_but most of all he hates himself, because he _allowed_ this to happen_). Yet his rages never last long, and he ends up loving her so, _so_ much more now than when she was with him. With this thought he beats himself even more (_not just because he deserves it, but because he thinks it makes her appear faster, for longer_).

When he does sleep, he dreams. He dreams of her, dreams of her life with him, dreams of how she whacked him over the head countless times (_he's willing to be beaten to death if that means she'd come back to him_), he always dreams of her touching him, being with him. He always dreams of her – **always** (_but he never tires of it, he wishes it would last forever_).

Most nights, Shikamaru can't sleep.

Every night, though, he cries.


	9. Chapter Negative 0 point 75

A/N: Hey guise! I'm currently really trying to complete the (real) seventh chapter but plot bunnies keep popping up and pestering me, plus I haven't really gotten much inspiration… So till I can actually produce a quality chapter, I've decided to include several background scenes about Temari and Shikamaru. I might do some things about Hinata, we'll see if my writer's block relents soon.

Basically this small excerpt of their relationship is placed somewhere before the war. I think it's pretty obvious that Temari and Shikamaru had things going on _way_ before the war, possibly at the start of Shippuuden. Maybe even before that. Who knows, eh? But in Blue Hour I'd say that they got together somewhere in the time skip. So it's technically an AU, isn't it? (Not that it wasn't before ha ha ha…)

Also it's my birthday today! (15th November) I'm not revealing my age because I'm actually an ancient ninja who's been living off hate after my clan spurned me. Regardless, I think I deserve a pat on the back for living another whole year on this planet. Sometimes I think I'm a waste of oxygen, but then I realise I could've been much worse so oh well.

Read and review, yes? I love reading reviews. It's a sensation that's indescribable. I swear.

Thanks for sticking with me so far, and enjoy! (:

Blue Hour Chapter -0.75

It was Day 29 of their cold war, and both sides were refusing to even be in the same room as each other, which was especially difficult since staying in separate tents when space was limited while fighting a war proved to seem very unreasonable to the clueless outsider. Chouji and Sakura had all but refused to be a part of their argument, but Ino very actively took _her_ side. Kiba was sympathetic but gave no real support, and the others appeared not to care very much unless their fighting impacted his performance in battle. Naruto, well, he didn't even know that _he_ and _she_ had been an item for some time now.

Granted, it started when _he'd_ responded rather coldly to one of her moods, but in his defense what he said was his _honest opinion_ and _she'd_ said something that contradicted one of his core beliefs, things that he held _very close_ to his heart. Unfortunately for him, she argued that it was _her_ body and it was not just _his_ decision. Their quarrelling had escalated very quickly, and so now they were stuck in a rut – he refused to compromise and she refused to back down. He really should have known that their personalities would clash.

Well, actually, he did, but that didn't change his decision to pursue her.

"I'm not speaking to him again till he tells me he's sorry and that he won't ever mention it again," Temari said very loudly, arms crossed and eyebrows drawn together. Next to her, Ino nodded while Sakura sighed.

"Temari-san, I don't really understand why you're so against the idea," Sakura said slowly. She, along with the rest of her friends save for Ino, had decided that it would be best for the pair to make up. It was her turn after Chouji, and if she failed like Chouji had it would be Neji's turn. While the latter's promise of precious jewels should she succeed seemed rather petty, Sakura was determined to resolve the issue as soon as possible. "It's a general consensus in Konoha."

Temari's teal eyes narrowed in irritation, anger flashing in them. "I'm not a citizen of the Leaf," she countered.

At this Sakura tried very hard not to roll her eyes. "No, you aren't," she agreed. "But your boyfriend is." Really, sometimes she was glad she'd given up on men for now – having relationships was just too damn tiring. That, and she couldn't believe how such an argument could have turned the mature, diplomatic Temari of the Sand into a whiney, shortsighted brat.

Temari didn't correct Sakura for the 'boyfriend' term, and Sakura took it as a positive sign.

"Besides," the green-eyed teenager continued, "since you've both already started having sex it's only going to be a matter of time when one fine day either one of you forgets to bring along a contraceptive."

Temari almost turned bright red. "How-how did you know," she stopped, and decided she herself didn't want to know. Instead the Suna kunoichi scowled once again. "I don't want children and that's final," she sneered decisively. "I don't even _like_ kids."

Sakura brightened, delighted that her friend from Suna had finally started talking. "It'll be different when it's _your_ child," she assured. "I swear. I've seen women in labour cursing their husbands and cursing every man on the planet but once the baby pops out they're all full of love."

Temari paled at this. "What?" she murmured, in slight shock and disbelief. "Those _things_ actually _pop out?_"

Sakura sighed. That diamond necklace and ruby bracelet suddenly seemed so very far away.

~X~

That night, Shikamaru crept into the tent that he shared with Temari. He evidently had not been very happy for the past 29 days, if his more-annoyed-than-usual expression and his short, terse answers were any indication. After a brief talk with Neji, who was trying very hard to avoid talking to Temari, Shikamaru decided that this needed to end.

So there he was, standing awkwardly at the tent doors, staring at a silent Temari who was sitting on the edge of her bed, cleaning her fan.

"You're not happy," he started, and continued when he didn't get a reaction. "I'm not happy. We both aren't happy with the situation."

Shikamaru took in a deep breath. "Let's make up."

_There_. He said it. Now all he wanted to do was fall into her brutish, cruel arms and kiss her till make up sex seemed to be the only logical option. Nara Shikamaru had thought about how he would be able to do this, and even after three hours of hardcore thinking he'd only come up with one method.

Shikamaru daringly sat down next to her and forcefully turned her head to face him.

"I'm not going to say that I don't want kids," he told his frowning lover, "I'm just going to say that I don't want kids _right now_. We'll have kids after the war. And even then we'll only have them when you're ready." His expression was soft and gentle, his voice velvet.

Temari continued frowning. She didn't like being difficult but she knew that her child would have a more than fifty-percent chance of ending up like her own family – borderline insane, for example. And she really could not bear the thought of her own child living in, well, a living hell.

"What if I'm never going to be ready?" she murmured so softly Shikamaru barely caught it. Would this issue tear them apart? She knew that one day they would have an argument so big that they'd break up forever, but a part of her kept wishing that that day would never come.

Shikamaru sighed a long sigh. He kissed her lightly on her lips, smiling now because he saw a light at the end of the tunnel. "We'll figure something out," he assured, "I promise."

Then he moved his hands from her face to her waist and then to her hips, running his fingers all over. He brought his lips to her ears, and when she didn't smack him, they both knew that their quarrel was now officially over.

"I love you," he whispered, "I'll love you forever."

~X~

Outside the tent, Neji could be seen fist pumping the air while Sakura watched, her eyes strangely appearing to gleam in the darkness.


	10. Chapter 7: Mission

A/N: Hey everyone! I'm really sorry for not updating this, once again due to my incredible laziness, enormous and prolonged writer's block, and general lack of free time. Lethal combination for writing stories, I can confirm.

I can't believe so much has happened. Like Kishi, HOW COULD YOU HAVE KILLED NEJI AND SHIKAKU. WHY KISHI. My whole story and motivation practically died when Shikaku died. Ehhh.

Regardless, please review! I'm eagerly awaiting the day I can start on the next few chapters hohoho.

**Chapter 7: Mission**

"So let me get this straight and as crystal clear as possible," Shino said in his usual crisp, deep voice. "You injured Shikamaru in your sleep, then woke up and healed him, and after you two had a long conversation, at one point in time through the night you fell asleep and by the time you woke up, Kurenai-sensei had already asked me over."

At this, Hinata cringed. _You make it sound like I've done something wrong_, she thought, and focused on finishing her slice of buttered toast. Her eyes caught Shino's, and just like always she knew he had read her mind.

The man smiled, not bothering to hide his bemusement. "Oh, I'm not saying you did anything _wrong_, Hinata," he assured her, and he chuckled his uniquely Aburame chuckle. "In fact I'm very interested in what he's said to you, and pleased that he's finally had a decent night's sleep." Shino paused here, and then continued, "Shiho had to analyze some of his medical data for Tsunade-sama; it seems he hasn't slept consecutively for more than three hours since the war ended."

Her chewing stopped. She swallowed hard, her brow now furrowed. Without bothering to lick the crumbs on her lips, Hinata cocked her head slightly to her left. "That's terrible. I'm surprised he hasn't collapsed or died while on missions." She set her semi-eaten breakfast on her plate and let the news sink in. Granted, Hinata had heard gossip from here and there about how badly Shikamaru had been living since Temari died, but surely his sleep deprivation wasn't the result of something that had happened four years ago?

Shino simply nodded. "Not many people know about his situation for certain," he said, and Hinata returned confidence with a slight nod of her own. "But he's been doing rather well on missions, so nobody's really worried yet. It's just close friends and family that have taken notice." He gestured for Hinata to continue eating.

Kurenai came into the kitchen at this time, holding still-asleep Hiruzen in her arms. "Is he still asleep?" she wondered, but all three of them knew she wasn't talking about her son. Shino nodded in confirmation, and she smiled somewhat before she placed Hiruzen on a chair and began preparing his breakfast. "Let's not wake him, I think he needs his rest when he can get it."

Hinata was about to ask Shino about the possibility that Temari was the cause of Shikamaru's distress, but once again Shino seemed to be able to predict her question, and he managed a subtle, grim nod. Hinata realized it was probably unwise to discuss Temari unless in private, and she began to eat more quickly.

"When do you think he'll wake up?" Kurenai mused. Shino noticed Hinata's pale face reddening at her consideration of the older woman's innocent question, and he raised his eyebrows mentally.

Finished with her toast, Hinata placed her plate in the kitchen sink and gulped down a glass of milk, then grabbed her hanging jacket and kissed Hiruzen on his forehead. "Sorry, I have to rush – there's a clan meeting soon that I have to be present for," she murmured off-handedly, just as she heard movement in one of the bedrooms down the hallway. Biting her lower lip, Hinata's face colored even more as she bid Shino and Kurenai goodbye.

When the front door shut, Kurenai set Hiruzen's breakfast down on the table and took Hinata's seat. The boy groggily reached for his spoon and stuffed gruel in his mouth, his large eyes still half-closed and his fat cheeks rosy. "She left in a rush," Kurenai commented, intrigued. "Last night she didn't mention anything about having a meeting this early."

Shino shook his head, now highly bemused. "That's because there's no such meeting," he explained coolly, and he crossed his arms while he turned to look at his former sensei in the eye. He was thoroughly interested now, more for his friends' sakes than for his own entertainment, but his face was almost smug. Shino leaned backwards even more in his chair and he smiled a very small smile. "What do you think those two talked about for so long last night?"

~X~

Shikamaru was unintentionally late. This was a new thing for him – not the late part, but the _unintentionally_ _so_ part. It was the first time in a long time that not being punctual was not a result of careful calculation and purposeful actions, and Shikamaru found that he preferred being late on purpose than being late because he, well, overslept.

Overslept! The incredibly adept killer laughed cynically, inwardly. How ironic was it that just three weeks earlier his boss decided to subject him a health checkup and found – much to everyone's shock – that he was extraordinarily sleep deprived? Shikamaru would probably never live this down; he was supposed to be a diagnosed insomniac, he was supposed to have been suffering from a condition he had no choice in having. Shikamaru liked to term his circumstances '_helpless grieving_' – it's not like he didn't want to move on. He did indeed want to live normally again; just, he wanted a life with _her_.

He stopped himself here, Hinata's comments from last night cutting into his sense of righteousness. The man shook his head in annoyance; _what did she know? _She _knew nothing_ about him, save for second-hand information retrieved from eavesdropping on gossipmongers. Shikamaru grunted in disgust as he swung the door to the Hokage's main office open. Suddenly he felt very tired, despite not having cried at all last night.

"You're late," Tsunade observed but didn't look up from her scrolls of paperwork. Her black-framed spectacles slid a little further down her nose and she sniffed irately as she hurriedly took them off. Quickly, Tsunade pushed said scrolls of work away from her main space on her desk.

Shikamaru shrugged, trying to seem nonchalant. "As usual."

Now it was Tsunade's turn to shrug. "You look a little better now, though. I trust my insomnia medicine is working for you?"

He remembered the unsealed package of pills that were sitting at the bottom of his trashcan in his room back in his parent's house. "They helped a lot," he smiled and added curtly, "Thanks."

Tsunade snorted, but let the subject drop. "Well enough with polite conversation then," she sighed as she pulled a blue scroll from one of her drawers. "You said to tell you when there's a mission to Lightning country ASAP, preferably before your annual leave for Suna." At this, Tsunade waved the scroll, "Here it is."

Shikamaru began walking towards the Hokage, preparing to take the scroll and listen to the subsequent briefing. Tsunade stopped him before he managed to take three steps, however, with a wave of her hand. She placed the blue scroll back on her desk and regarded her subordinate very carefully. After a few moments Tsunade breathed out deeply and relaxed in her chair.

"Shikamaru, please tell me why you're going to the lightning country."

He wasn't taken aback by the question, really. But Shikamaru was irritated nonetheless. "I've wanted to go to Lightning country for a while now. Might as well go when there's a mission."

"You didn't have to get to ANBU for a mission in Lightning." Her answer was sharp, but Shikamaru didn't flinch.

"ANBU get more missions in Lightning."

Tsunade nodded in agreement at this, "That's right, because you're more likely to die there." She stopped here, but added shortly afterwards, "And you know this." It wasn't a question.

Shikamaru didn't answer.

"Even if you're going to Lightning for revenge or any other personal agenda, please consider your position and Konoha's position." Tsunade was beginning to sound like an outraged Kage, and her volume increased steadily. "Look at yourself – if somebody else could take this mission, I would have preferred it. You're barely functioning."

Shikamaru frowned at this. "I'm a perfectly capable shinobi, and you know that." There was silence for a while, that Shikamaru broke with a more forceful, "You've been preventing me from going to Lightning, haven't you?"

"I can't lose another excellent ninja."

Shikamaru started towards her again. "Then you agree – I _am_ capable and I can get that done."

Tsunade almost shouted, "Stop being so selfish!" There was a thin film of moisture over her eyes now, and her lower lip trembled from her impatience. "I'm looking out for you, I don't want you dead. Stop being so melodramatic – first you practically become the living dead then you join ANBU and then you say you want missions that have a death possibility of 80% and over? Are you _insane_?"

Shikamaru stopped at her desk, and his frown turned into an irritated grimace. "I've just had that conversation so could we please just move on to you assigning that mission to me." He held his hand out, his palm open.

"Tell me seriously – what are you going to do in Lightning country?"

Shikamaru heaved a sigh. He stuck both hands in his pockets. "I want to kill those medics that allowed her to die. Then I'm done. I'll be at peace." He maintained his indifferent gaze, strange determination flashing in his tired eyes.

Tsunade let a few minutes pass before she slowly passed the scroll over. "You have a few days before you're needed. Everything's in there," she said quietly, and Shikamaru took the scroll gratefully and bowed his head. The Hokage watched as the heir to one of her village's most prolific clans turned and headed towards the door.

Shikamaru had his hand on the knob when he heard Tsunade searching through her drawers. He paused, waiting for her to say one last thing.

"Hey," her authoritative voice very nearly made him turn around once more. "Those pills I gave you were for your body aches, not for insomnia." She threw another packet of pills at him, and Shikamaru caught them with ease. "Take those before you leave for Lightning, they'll make you sleep like the dead within seconds."

Shikamaru considered thanking his boss for not outright calling him a liar, or even a bad liar, but he only managed to smile a small smile while he slouched even more. His hand turned the knob.

"Helpless grieving," Shikamaru said softly but loud enough for Tsunade to hear. "I'm not insane; I'm in a state of helpless grieving." Then he allowed himself one audible lazy yawn as he could nearly feel Tsunade smiling sadly, and then he was out of her hands.


	11. Chapter 8: Will of Fire

_A/N: I am alive. Just, exam period again. )-:_

**Blue Hour Chapter 8**

Tsunade glanced up from the unfurled scroll on her desk for the fifth time. Her spectacles sat lazily on the bridge of her nose, sliding down ever so slightly as she sniffed at him ever so often. She had been regarding him suspiciously for the past month, since he told her blatantly what he wanted. Tsunade frustrated herself with her deliberative thoughts; did all the men in her life choose to be difficult or had it been a curse from God?

Now Shikamaru was sitting in front of her, rather far away, rolling his eyes for the sixth time since he entered her office. His arms were crossed and so were his legs. He was not smiling.

Tsunade took a deep breath. "Explain to me again how you're going to go about doing this."

Shikamaru breathed out heavily. He opened his mouth to speak instead of answering her question; "I'm not about to repeat myself for the fifth time, Tsunade-sama." Here he shrugged in his seat and turned his head to look out the window and to the village below. His face quirked into a smile as he saw some kid fall splat on his face and simultaneously drop his ice cream. "A man's got to do what a man's got to do."

"I'm not agreeing to this."

Another shrug. The kid – a boy – got up and dusted himself off. Shikamaru raised his eyebrows as he noticed the boy bawling only after he realised his snack was now all over the floor. "I'm not asking you to agree to this," Shikamaru answered, squaring his shoulders as if to steel his nerves.

"What did your parents say?"

Shikamaru considered it odd that Tsunade always referred to Yoshino and Shikaku as '_your parents_' whenever she wanted him to change his mind on something. He'd appreciated the fact that Yoshino and Shikaku _were indeed_ his parents, but he normally disliked it when his boss started to get a little too personal. Today, though, Shikamaru was feeling a bit too honest. "I haven't been home for a while," he admitted, but he didn't mean for it to come out in that way.

"Kurenai should be able to manage on her own. The boy is what, 3 years old now?"

Shikamaru tensed. "Hiruzen's fine and so is Kurenai-sensei. I just prefer helping her as opposed to not helping her." He looked up from the boy down below and glanced at the clock above the Hokage. "If we're done here please may I leave?"

But Tsunade would not let him go, not while she still had him. "Shikaku seemed a bit off when I mentioned you the other day." She stopped, waiting for her fellow villager to offer an explanation. She added briefly when he did not, "He didn't say more than a few words."

Here Shikamaru wondered what Temari might have said. His lover had always chided him about his brusqueness with his parents. Something about treasuring his parents while he still had them – not that he didn't love his parents, for he would have sacrificed his life for each of them as quickly as they would for him. Shikamaru now simply preferred to love them from afar.

But he just offered Tsunade another shrug. "Dad probably doesn't have anything more to say about me. I've just been at Kurenai-sensei's more now."

Tsunade closed her eyes, willing the frustration boiling inside her to subside. She will get the boy to talk, even if it takes the whole day. The Hokage has to care about somebody who needs it, after all. "And Hinata's been going around there a lot more often now, hasn't she?"

"Let's leave her out of this," Shikamaru said sharply. His fingers twitched.

Tsunade started to get excited; finally, a response. "I understand you've been seeing her a lot."

A frown settled on Shikamaru's face and replaced the previously calm exterior. "Don't even," he warned, and the shinobi of the leaf refused to consider what he thought Tsunade was thinking, but he thought it anyway.

Tsunade's face fell at this. She once again tried to suppress her growing impatience and all that escaped her pursed lips was a long-drawn sigh. She was almost at her limit – how stubborn did the boy have to be till he realised he was hurting the people around him? For once, his selfishness and immaturity were getting the better of her. The Hokage was well aware of the fact that once she opened her mouth she would scream at the child and he would close up forever. So she waved him away and pointed to the door.

Shikamaru was surprised at this, and he forgot to conceal it. But he stood up and bowed, unwilling to stay and bear the effects of his impudence. Inside he was more than apologetic, yet he could not have his emotions scrutinised and prodded like his behaviour had been subject to for the past four years.

As the door clicked shut, Tsunade murmured, just loud enough for him to hear, "And you call yourself a man."

Shikamaru sighed. He gathered his shoulders nearer to his neck and start walking, never stopping to look back.

~X~

The apartment was dimly light when Hinata opened the door to Shikamaru, and she smiled gently as she let him in. The Hyuuga explained that Kurenai had been feeling especially tired, so she decided to turn in after Hiruzen had fallen asleep. Shikamaru nodded in reply, unwilling to make a sound. He walked quietly to the kitchen, Hinata following closely behind.

The ANBU member slipped a piece of toast into the toaster as Hinata shut the kitchen door to mute their coming conversation. She put the kettle on, and weaved around Shikamaru to reach for some powdered green tea.

"You've not been in all day," she observed as she placed the mug of tea onto the small kitchen table and sat down. "Hiruzen-kun said you haven't been around for a while."

Shikamaru counted to five, then pressed the eject button on the toaster. Pale brown bread popped up, and he caught it with his right hand. It had been a month since he was initiated into ANBU, and his special leave for Suna seemed approaching quicker than he had expected. His mind drifted off to the mission in lightning country, and his fingers twitched. Shikamaru cleared his throat, spreading deep red jam over the bread. "That's right," he answered, deliberately nonchalant. "I've been a little busy with ANBU lately." That was a lie: he had not been on duty since Tsunade had granted him time off to prepare for his big upcoming mission.

It only occurred to him after he had vocalised that lie that Hinata would definitely have known about his leave since she herself was also on active duty. He kicked himself mentally, but bit down on his hot toast, already embarrassed but still stubborn. Shikamaru pivoted about his heel and moved to sit across Hinata, but he kept his eyes on his plate.

"Hiruzen-kun misses you," she remarked, absent-mindedly, and then something within her clicked and she smiled warmly again. "You're going to leave for Suna soon, aren't you?"

He nodded in reply, chewing for as long as he could bear. The bags under his eyes seemed to have gained mass; suddenly Shikamaru was very tired.

Hinata nodded in return; if she wasn't satisfied with his answer she didn't show it. The kunoichi took a sip of her tea and sighed a long sigh. "I have a mission tomorrow," Hinata murmured softly, once again as if it were a sort of afterthought. "Going to deliver some important document to the grass village." Here her eyes flashed with some sort of deliberation, and she added, "Wonder if it's another peace treaty."

Shikamaru coughed. "I'm sure it'll be successful." After spending the rest of his day with a stone memory of Temari, he had little to say to anybody. All he wanted to do now was to strip down to his bare skin and try to fall asleep. Shikamaru remembered the sleeping pills Tsunade had given him, laying at the bottom of his bin, still sealed. Tonight, he knew, was going to be a night wherein he was going to crash.

"I'll be gone for a few days," Hinata said, having another sip of tea. Her shoulders relaxed a little more as she exhaled. "Won't you come over more often and play with Hiruzen-kun?" Her smile reached her eyes now, "Kurenai-sensei doesn't need much other help."

Shikamaru agreed with a crooked smile and a brief nod. He would have to see Hiruzen a few more times – at the very least – before he spent a few weeks beyond Konoha's borders. "Thank you for your help," he closed his eyes here. "I'll definitely come over. Don't worry about it."

Hinata thanked him in return as she rose to place her now empty cup into the sink. She walked slowly to the door, her arms crossed. Before she left the kitchen she turned around once more, "I think maybe it's time to introduce Hiruzen-kun to the concept of Konoha's '_will of fire_'?"

Shikamaru stopped chewing his toast, and out of the blue he recalled her cousin's nonchalant attitude regarding the murder of a child. He remembered how smoothly his blade cut through her smooth skin and tore it apart, the colour of her blood and the slowly dissipating heat of her corpse. His hands began to shake and a shudder went through his body. Shikamaru then knew he would not be able to sleep at all tonight.

But he forced a smile and waved Hinata out the kitchen door. "Yeah," he mumbled, feeling his eyes moisten. "We all have that within us, don't we."


End file.
